I’m almost halfway through second semester of freshman year.  How did the time go by so fast, and what did I even do over these past few months?

Maybe it’s part of my self-deprecation/harshness, but I feel like I haven’t lived up to my own expectations of this amazing school, and that it’s totally my fault for not putting myself out there.  How come as soon as something begins, I’m already nervous about how it will end?  I tell myself: I’m graduating in five and a half semesters.  You need to study abroad.  Intern.  Make lifelong friends.  Have great grades.  It’s like my preoccupation with the future (and the past) has taken over my ability to enjoy and make progress in the present.  I told myself, next semester.  Now I tell myself, next year.  Or when you study abroad.  Or when……. 

What I really need to say is: Now or Never. Just say yes.  There is no next.  All you have is now, so make the best of it.  I’ve been trying to do that at least a little more this semester; I hope it works.

Everyone here is so fabulous, so faaaabulous.  It wasn’t hard to stand out if I wanted to in a stupid suburban high school.  But now—because I feel like I’ve spent the past few months doing next to nothing—I’m just another face in the crowd.  I know this sounds selfish and narcissistic, but I don’t really feel special anymore.  I’m just kind of floating along by myself.  I’m not doing badly, thank God.  I have a job, some friends, and good grades, and getting to even be at this school was no easy feat.  Am I so worn-out from the past few years that all this time I’ve just been recharging my batteries?  If so, when will I start feeling like myself again?  When will I start glowing?  I just want to be liked and respected by others as the likeable and respectable person that I truly know I am.

My roommate said something recently about how when people stop trying to improve themselves, it’s a bad sign.  Is that true of me?  I wonder.  My mind is full of questions.  I seem to have retreated into my mind, living in my mind and not in the world, like a turtle withdrawing into its shell.  How can I snap out of this?  When and how did I get like this?  I have never been the kind of loud person who commands all the attention in a room, but I’ve never had trouble making friends before.  Is it really the school’s fault, or have I turned into some boring, mousy, lazy shadow of my former self?  I’d like to think that a lot of people feel the same way about this school; I’m sure they do.  It’s just that the way the school is, it’s so hard to find those people who feel the way I do and who maybe could be additional friends.  I sometimes feel like a lame person, and I’ve never felt like that before.

Nothing amazing will happen to me unless I decide to be amazing in the present.  When and why did I lose interest in being myself, and how can I get the old me back?